Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Omena Dollar: How To Unlock your telekinetic Ability
Omena Dollar: How To Unlock your telekinetic Ability: "This piece of writing answers the questions that keep the mind crippled, and unable to influence the outside world. Read this passage, and w..."
Thursday, February 17, 2011
How Much does Justin Beiber Spend on His Hair?-Revealed
While most 16 year-old boys are happy to spend their money on computer games and top-shelf magazines, Justin Bieber loves nothing more than to splash his hard earned cash on his appearance - starting with his hair. Justin recently revealed that each time he has his Bieber-barnet trimmed, it sets the singer back a whopping R5,200. What's more, the teenager insists on having his hair cut twice a month, meaning each month he invests R10,400 on hairstyling alone - and we thought R600 highlights were expensive...
Top 100 Funniest Facebook Status Updates
The embarassing truth is that I have actually sat in front of Facebook and spent a good five minutes trying to think of something funny to say..... and then failed miserably, so turned to google for assistance. I also know, through doing so, that some of my friends have done this too. At least it seems that thousands of other people also lack the creativity gene and to make up for my failings, I present to you the 50 funniest Facebook status / status's / statuses / stati....?!? All of these status updates are genuinely real, but for the benefit of this article, my subjects need to have a names, so lets call them Dave and Katie - just to place that little bit of extra emphasis on my complete lack of creativity. It's not really appropriate to give people's real names, but the 'Daves' were male, and the 'Katies' were female.......
The Funny Status Updates......
Dave feels like getting some work done...and so he is sitting down until the feeling passes.
Katie used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she's good at everything.
Dave is color blind and trying to solve a rubiks cube... This could take a while...
Katie dreams of a better world...where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned :0)
Dave says my computer just beat me at chess...but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Katie is cle'a]ni.ng he'r ke]yb29oa;rd
Dave is wondering why his daughter's diaper holds no where near the 22-37 pounds it promises.
Katie is proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
Dave doesn't suffer from insanity... he enjoys every minute of it.
Katie ║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║█║▌│║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║ *ZAP* *BEEP* Price: $7.95
Dave is wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark
Katie thinks that if your relationship status says, "It's complicated" that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to "Single"
Dave before you use the bathroom in someones house make sure you check they have toilet paper!!
Dave Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.
Dave is cleaning out his medicine cabinet of expired prescriptions with a glass of water and several mystery pills at a time.
Katie Be nice to nerds, Chances are you will be working for them.
Dave is normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.
Katie is experiencing life at a rate of several wtf's a minute
Dave just received a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last.
Kate.... if only life came with a ◄◄ REW ► PLAY ▌▌PAUSE █▌STOP ►► FF
Dave.... scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ to reveal today's status.
Kate.... Nobody wished me a happy birthday today, which isn't surprising really, since it isn't my birthday.
Dave... ”The greatest thing about Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source.” – George Washington
Kate.... is about to stick a pin in your voodoo doll... brace yourself..
Dave.... ♬ ♫ ♪ ılıll|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|̲̅̅=̲̅̅|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|llılı ♪ ♫ ♬
Kate.... is going to jail, directly to jail. She is not passing go. She is not collecting $200.
Dave.... Note to vegetarians: My food poops on your food. Enjoy that salad!
Kate.... Just realized the tooth fairy teaches us to sell our body parts for money!
Dave.... Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
Kate.... I just read last year 4,153,237 ppl got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
Dave.... Don't you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn't want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.
Kate.... 43% of all statistics are made up on the spot. Hell, 72% of people know that!
Dave.... Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.
Kate.... status under construction ██████████████] 99%
Dave.... Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
Kate.... Dear Pringles, Now that I am no longer a child, I can no longer fit my hand inside your tube of deliciousness. Work on that.
Dave.... believes that the problem with being punctual is that there is rarely anyone there to appreciate it.
Kate.... I will find out why the correspondence course on “Mail Fraud” that I purchased never showed up.
Dave.... You know your job is shit when the parking meter outside where you work makes more per hour than you do.
Kate.... ٩(•̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ ٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃•̃)
Kate.... I hated it when old aunts came up to me after weddings and said "you are next". They stopped that when I did began to do the same to them after funerals.
Dave.... I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness
Kate.... Invented Al Gore
Dave.... ¿ǝʍ ǝɹɐ pǝƃuǝןןɐɥɔ-ǝןƃooƃ ˙˙˙ʇxǝʇ uʍop ǝpısdn ʎq ǝɹɐ ǝןdoǝd pǝssǝɹdɯı ʍoɥ ʎuunɟ s,ʇı sʞuıɥʇ
Kate.... Just bought a new warddrobe from focus, looked at the box and was surprised to find it said " Self Assembly "..... I've been sat here now for three fu*k*ng hours and yet it still hasnt put itself together
Dave.... Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough.
Kate.... I have a friend whose status says 'suicidal standing on edge of cliff'. I poked him.
Dave.... Is proud of himself, he finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
Kate.... ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Dave.... Does performing oral sex on women provide a good source of Omega3?
Kate.... ̿̿̿ ̿' ̿'̵͇̿̿з=(•̪●)=ε/̵͇̿̿/'̿'̿ ̿ this is a stick-up... give me ALL yo [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅1̲̅)̲̅$̲̅]!
Dave.... Isn't going to take life seriously... Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Kate.... a clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
Dave.... Bought a new stick of deodorant today. Instructions said: "Remove cap and push up bottom" ... I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely
Kate.... ⒽⒶⓅⓅⓨ ⓃⒺⓌ ⓎⒺⒶⓇ
Dave.... If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson's No More Tears, would it create beautiful irony?
Kate.... Is beating her current record for number of consecutive days alive.
Dave.... Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Kate.... ► PlayTheMoments ▌▌ PauseTheMemories ■ StopThePain ◄◄ RewindTheHappiness.
Dave.... Just changed the name of my iPod to "the titanic" so whenever i plug it in to my computer it says "the titanic is syncing"
Kate.... Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
Dave.... "Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide."
Kate.... I Liked your Status and now 25 notifications later........I'm hating me for Liking your status!
Dave.... Is wondering if you can grow marijuana on Farmville then sell it on Mafia Wars?
Kate.... is coloring on your wall! ((̲̅ ̲̅(̲̅C̲̅r̲̅a̲̅y̲̅o̲̅l̲̲̅̅a̲̅( ̲̅̅((>
Dave.... Build a man a fire and he is warm for a day. Set him on fire, and he is warm for the rest of his life.
Kate.... --^v--^v--^v--^v-_____^v--^v--^v-- For a second there, I was bored to death
Katie would rather check her facebook than face her checkbook.
Dave believes that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.
Katie ¡ǝɯıʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ǝsn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ
Dave Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with "according to the prophecy"
Katie is Loading ████████████ 99%
Dave People reckon I'm too patronising (that means I treat them as if they're stupid).
Katie Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
Dave I have an oven with a 'stop time' button. It's probably meant to be 'stop timer' but I don't touch it, just in case.
Katie It recently became apparent to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on a keyboard. This is why I'll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase "Regards" ever again.
Dave How To Be A Hero tip: When destroying the enemy be sure to kill all the criminals in reverse order of importance before confronting the kingpin himself.
Katie went to the book store earlier to buy a 'Where's Wally' book. When I got there, I couldn't find the book anywhere. Well played Wally, well played.
Dave Don't waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", think of another song you like and hum that instead.
Katie What do we want? PROCRASTINATION! When do we want it?... Next week.
Dave My wife said I'm too immature and if I don't grow up it's going to erect a barrier between us. Ha ha ha, erect.
Katie Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy.
Dave Hi, my name is Damimeve. The 'mime' is silent.
Katie got her test results back this morning and is shocked to find that she's been diagnosed with OCD. She's rung the doctors nine times to check if they're correct.
Dave reckons anti-wrinkle cream doesn't work. If it did, women wouldn't have any fingerprints.
Katie will one day get even... with all the people that have helped her.
Dave Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Katie People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
Dave Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.
Katie Statistically 5/4 of people have trouble with fractions.
Dave I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live.
Katie I just read a list of 'the 100 things to do before you die'. I'm pretty surprised 'yell for help' wasn't one of them...
Dave I've always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.
Katie TEIAM - problem solved
Dave never questions authority, he annoys authority. More effect, less effort.
Katie never judges a book by its cover. She uses the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
Dave Top Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked "do you have any firearms with you?" do not reply "what do you need?"
P.S. If you have funnier Facebook updates, share them with our viewers as comments. Thanks.
The Funny Status Updates......
Dave feels like getting some work done...and so he is sitting down until the feeling passes.
Katie used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she's good at everything.
Dave is color blind and trying to solve a rubiks cube... This could take a while...
Katie dreams of a better world...where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned :0)
Dave says my computer just beat me at chess...but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Katie is cle'a]ni.ng he'r ke]yb29oa;rd
Dave is wondering why his daughter's diaper holds no where near the 22-37 pounds it promises.
Katie is proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
Dave doesn't suffer from insanity... he enjoys every minute of it.
Katie ║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║█║▌│║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║ *ZAP* *BEEP* Price: $7.95
Dave is wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark
Katie thinks that if your relationship status says, "It's complicated" that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to "Single"
Dave before you use the bathroom in someones house make sure you check they have toilet paper!!
Dave Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.
Dave is cleaning out his medicine cabinet of expired prescriptions with a glass of water and several mystery pills at a time.
Katie Be nice to nerds, Chances are you will be working for them.
Dave is normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.
Katie is experiencing life at a rate of several wtf's a minute
Dave just received a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last.
Kate.... if only life came with a ◄◄ REW ► PLAY ▌▌PAUSE █▌STOP ►► FF
Dave.... scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ to reveal today's status.
Kate.... Nobody wished me a happy birthday today, which isn't surprising really, since it isn't my birthday.
Dave... ”The greatest thing about Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source.” – George Washington
Kate.... is about to stick a pin in your voodoo doll... brace yourself..
Dave.... ♬ ♫ ♪ ılıll|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|̲̅̅=̲̅̅|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|llılı ♪ ♫ ♬
Kate.... is going to jail, directly to jail. She is not passing go. She is not collecting $200.
Dave.... Note to vegetarians: My food poops on your food. Enjoy that salad!
Kate.... Just realized the tooth fairy teaches us to sell our body parts for money!
Dave.... Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
Kate.... I just read last year 4,153,237 ppl got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
Dave.... Don't you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn't want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.
Kate.... 43% of all statistics are made up on the spot. Hell, 72% of people know that!
Dave.... Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.
Kate.... status under construction ██████████████] 99%
Dave.... Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
Kate.... Dear Pringles, Now that I am no longer a child, I can no longer fit my hand inside your tube of deliciousness. Work on that.
Dave.... believes that the problem with being punctual is that there is rarely anyone there to appreciate it.
Kate.... I will find out why the correspondence course on “Mail Fraud” that I purchased never showed up.
Dave.... You know your job is shit when the parking meter outside where you work makes more per hour than you do.
Kate.... ٩(•̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ ٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃•̃)
Kate.... I hated it when old aunts came up to me after weddings and said "you are next". They stopped that when I did began to do the same to them after funerals.
Dave.... I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness
Kate.... Invented Al Gore
Dave.... ¿ǝʍ ǝɹɐ pǝƃuǝןןɐɥɔ-ǝןƃooƃ ˙˙˙ʇxǝʇ uʍop ǝpısdn ʎq ǝɹɐ ǝןdoǝd pǝssǝɹdɯı ʍoɥ ʎuunɟ s,ʇı sʞuıɥʇ
Kate.... Just bought a new warddrobe from focus, looked at the box and was surprised to find it said " Self Assembly "..... I've been sat here now for three fu*k*ng hours and yet it still hasnt put itself together
Dave.... Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough.
Kate.... I have a friend whose status says 'suicidal standing on edge of cliff'. I poked him.
Dave.... Is proud of himself, he finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
Kate.... ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Dave.... Does performing oral sex on women provide a good source of Omega3?
Kate.... ̿̿̿ ̿' ̿'̵͇̿̿з=(•̪●)=ε/̵͇̿̿/'̿'̿ ̿ this is a stick-up... give me ALL yo [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅1̲̅)̲̅$̲̅]!
Dave.... Isn't going to take life seriously... Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Kate.... a clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
Dave.... Bought a new stick of deodorant today. Instructions said: "Remove cap and push up bottom" ... I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely
Kate.... ⒽⒶⓅⓅⓨ ⓃⒺⓌ ⓎⒺⒶⓇ
Dave.... If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson's No More Tears, would it create beautiful irony?
Kate.... Is beating her current record for number of consecutive days alive.
Dave.... Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Kate.... ► PlayTheMoments ▌▌ PauseTheMemories ■ StopThePain ◄◄ RewindTheHappiness.
Dave.... Just changed the name of my iPod to "the titanic" so whenever i plug it in to my computer it says "the titanic is syncing"
Kate.... Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
Dave.... "Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide."
Kate.... I Liked your Status and now 25 notifications later........I'm hating me for Liking your status!
Dave.... Is wondering if you can grow marijuana on Farmville then sell it on Mafia Wars?
Kate.... is coloring on your wall! ((̲̅ ̲̅(̲̅C̲̅r̲̅a̲̅y̲̅o̲̅l̲̲̅̅a̲̅( ̲̅̅((>
Dave.... Build a man a fire and he is warm for a day. Set him on fire, and he is warm for the rest of his life.
Kate.... --^v--^v--^v--^v-_____^v--^v--^v-- For a second there, I was bored to death
Katie would rather check her facebook than face her checkbook.
Dave believes that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.
Katie ¡ǝɯıʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ǝsn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ
Dave Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with "according to the prophecy"
Katie is Loading ████████████ 99%
Dave People reckon I'm too patronising (that means I treat them as if they're stupid).
Katie Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
Dave I have an oven with a 'stop time' button. It's probably meant to be 'stop timer' but I don't touch it, just in case.
Katie It recently became apparent to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on a keyboard. This is why I'll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase "Regards" ever again.
Dave How To Be A Hero tip: When destroying the enemy be sure to kill all the criminals in reverse order of importance before confronting the kingpin himself.
Katie went to the book store earlier to buy a 'Where's Wally' book. When I got there, I couldn't find the book anywhere. Well played Wally, well played.
Dave Don't waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", think of another song you like and hum that instead.
Katie What do we want? PROCRASTINATION! When do we want it?... Next week.
Dave My wife said I'm too immature and if I don't grow up it's going to erect a barrier between us. Ha ha ha, erect.
Katie Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy.
Dave Hi, my name is Damimeve. The 'mime' is silent.
Katie got her test results back this morning and is shocked to find that she's been diagnosed with OCD. She's rung the doctors nine times to check if they're correct.
Dave reckons anti-wrinkle cream doesn't work. If it did, women wouldn't have any fingerprints.
Katie will one day get even... with all the people that have helped her.
Dave Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Katie People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
Dave Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.
Katie Statistically 5/4 of people have trouble with fractions.
Dave I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live.
Katie I just read a list of 'the 100 things to do before you die'. I'm pretty surprised 'yell for help' wasn't one of them...
Dave I've always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.
Katie TEIAM - problem solved
Dave never questions authority, he annoys authority. More effect, less effort.
Katie never judges a book by its cover. She uses the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
Dave Top Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked "do you have any firearms with you?" do not reply "what do you need?"
P.S. If you have funnier Facebook updates, share them with our viewers as comments. Thanks.
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